America’s Most Influential Ducks

Gafy — Sat, 30 May 2009 02:30:44 +0000

The mighty Bald Eagle may be noble, majestic, strong, full of might, and America’s officially licensed bird, but there’s one thing our friend the duck has that the bald eagle can’t touch…namely, that you can eat a duck without spending several years in prison. But that’s not the only reason why the duck is noteworthy…

The duck has played several major roles in shaping American history and culture. So many major roles, in fact, that I couldn’t possibly list them all here. Mainly because I’m lazy and drunk. Here’s just a tiny handful of America’s most influential ducks.

Donald Duck

As you can see from this picture, Donald Duck is a lovable, cuddly, kid-friendly cartoon character with severe anger issues.

Howard the Duck

Howard the Duck is probably best known for being one of the worst movies of all time. However, it’s also one of the worst comic books of all time!

Quacker – That Little Duck from Tom & Jerry

This duck is so freaking cute he makes newborn puppies look like cancerous armpit moles.

Count Duckula

Nothing is more appealing to young children than an animated, undead duck!

Scrooge McDuck

Unfortunately, Scrooge McDuck lost his billions to a severe gambling addiction. He really wanted to be a high roller but he couldn’t wing it. Har har! Ahem…let’s move on…

Darkwing Duck

Holy crap I loved this cartoon when I was a kid! Darkwing Duck was like Batman…except a duck. He would go around fighting crime and doing other stuff and…well I don’t really remember what else he did.

The Ducks of Duck Hunt

Let’s take a moment of silence for all of the ducks who lost their lives in the hours upon hours of time I wasted playing this Nintendo game as a kid. A precursor to the modern day interactive games of the Nintendo Wii, this game allowed you to shoot a virtual gun at your television screen and kill virtual ducks. The main difference between this game and the Wii is that Wii works most of the time. With the old duck hunt gun you had to stand 7 centimeters from your TV screen – exposing yourself to unsafe TV radiation – while repeatedly pulling the trigger as fast as possible until your finger muscle cramped up to the point that it disintegrated leaving you only able to smash the duck hunt gun into the TV while screaming profanities that no 8-year-old should know, at which point your parents would promptly step in to enroll you in weekly therapy.

Plucky Duck

Plucky Duck was on the fantastic show Tiny Toons which involved a bunch of tiny versions of the classic Looney Tunes characters. These so called “tiny toons” attended a university TAUGHT by the classic Looney Tunes characters where they were indoctrinated with cartoon related propaganda, such as gravity doesn’t work unless you look down, and anvils falling on your head do not cause fatal injuries. Several tiny toons never survived the first semester.

The Far Side Duck

There were several ducks employed by Gary Larson’s Far Side comic strip, but none more famous than Professor Jenkins’ arch nemesis. Who knows what sort of sordid past is being alluded to in this cartoon?

Daffy Duck

Had to save the best for last. Daffy Mother Effing Duck in da houuuuse! What other duck in the history of duck-kind can claim the level of notoriety as Daffy Duck? None, dammit! While Donald Duck may have started off as a pro Allies, anti-Nazi spokesduck in the 40’s he’s been reduced to starring in dumbass early morning Disney Channel cartoons that teach kids how to count and recognize simple shapes like circles and slightly flat circles called ovals. Daffy Duck, on the other hand, is still the same short-tempered blowhard we’ve always loved.

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America’s Most Influential Ducks